Ever since the boys were itsy bitsy babies, I recall reading about the issue almost all twin parents eventually deal with – separating their twins. Twin Mom online groups (Yes, those are a thing!) are forever dotted with threads discussing back and forth – should twins be separated at school? There was never a consensus on one option being better than the other, but I do remember to my dismay that many parents advocated splitting the kids up. The benefits quoted of gaining independence, making new friends and developing an individual identity all sounded good. Despite that I was still torn over how seemingly cruel it was to keep them apart – two little souls who didn’t know the concept of a world without the other by their side.
I had heard that many schools have a policy of separating twins and even that sounded like a drawback when it came to shortlisting a school. I resigned to crossing that hurdle when we came to it and when the boys did start Montessori at 2.5 years the preschool left the decision on us, though adding that they did find most twins doing better apart. We reasoned that it being their first time away from home, it was better to keep them together and then see how it panned out. It was definitely the right decision at the time and they did pretty well being in the same class. It offered them a sense of security at such a tender age.
A couple years down the line we got a feeling that things were changing. In group settings we found that they had started to stick together, talking endlessly and hugging. At home they had always been very competitive and were used to constantly checking out what their brother was doing, had got etc. As parents we felt the stage had come to give them some time apart. Their teachers agreed and they spent their final year at the Montessori in different sections. It worked amazingly well. They both made their own sets of friends and would come back delighted to get a chance to spend time with each other. Post the 4 hours apart they would spend the rest of the day playing together and discussing at length all that had happened in their respective classes.
We were satisfied that we had made the correct call and realised that distance had made their heart grow fonder. When admitting them into their new school we were once again given a choice and we chose to keep them in different sections. We did go back and forth over our decision a bit because the duration they’d be apart is now much longer. But at the end of the day we had to opt for what we thought would be best for our boys. I’d love for them to be inseparable and work and play together in complete peaceful unison but I guess most pairs (be it husband-wife, best friends, or in this case twins) need a break from each other. We didn’t want their bond to sour over comparisons they brought upon themselves or those made by others.
Things are not always smooth sailing when you decide to keep your twins apart. Conflicting commitments and your twins arguing over what the other got to experience are just some of the problems that will occur. But for now this is what is working for us. Having said that, each set of twins is also unique and what works for one duo may not for the either. In fact, things may even change down the line for us. What matters is making a choice you feel works for them and that will help them thrive – as individuals and as twins.
Twin parents out there – tell me what you think about this? Have you opted to keep your twins together or apart?
UPDATE –
I wrote this blog post back in 2019 which will now go down in history as the pre-Covid era. At that point of time, keeping the boys separate was what was working for us. However, once the Pandemic kicked in, online school became a reality that we couldn’t run away from. Coordinating with two online classes and blocking off two rooms at home was not practical so we shifted the boys to the same class for Grade 1. Grade 1 became Grade 2 and online school was still going strong courtesy the second wave. Once they went back to school consistently in Grade 3, the school opted to not shuffle the sections so as to give the children the opportunity to bond in person with the friends they had made online over the past two years.
Cut to now – for the next academic year that will begin in June, the school once again gave us the option of keeping them together or splitting them up as they plan to shuffle sections. The boys were confused themselves about whether they wanted to be in different classes or not. This time around we asked the teachers for their feedback and they told us that keeping them together was a good idea because
- They always sat separately in class and did not stick to each other at all. They also had developed individual friendships with other kids.
- Keeping them together would be easier on us for coordination, attending school events, PTMs etc
Another factor was that the boys’ now have subject teachers for all subjects who teach the same subject across the grade. So the aspect of having different teachers to avoid comparisons did not hold up.
Keeping all this in mind, we for now have decided to keep the boys together. As I said, the situation will dictate what is right or wrong for your twins and this can keep changing.