‘I don’t like to eat” that was Adhyant’s recent response to his new teacher when they were doing online introductions and she asked each child to name one thing they like doing and one thing they didn’t like doing. That line gives you all a fair insight into my Twin 1 and his basic, innate relationship with food.
While being a ‘fussy eater’, a ‘picky eater’ and a ‘slow eater’ is his inborn nature, let me now tell you that Adhyant eats all veggies, fruits, wholegrains, proteins, dairy products, lentils, nuts etc etc. At 6-years-old, I’d be hard pressed to find something he’d outright refuse to eat barring say a green or red chilly. It wasn’t however always like this. We have come a long way since starting solids at 6 months old and nurture has played a strong role after many mistakes in the process.
Adhyant was for most part my velcro baby, always ready for mother’s milk and when the weaning process began he looked at food with disdain – interference with his precious tummy filling ‘mumma dhudhu’.
His initial reaction was to spit out anything with a bit of texture which led to the introduction of pureed food. I hold myself totally responsible for taking on pressure to have both boys ‘eating’ a certain amount of semi-solids which led to a dependency on purees. The things I wish I knew and had the confidence to enforce at that time:
- Food before 1 is just for fun
Till a baby is one year, milk (either breastmilk or formula) should be the main source of nutrition. Milk feeds should not be dropped in favour of solids and they do not need to eat a huge amount.
- Let babies explore textures and flavours
It’s important to introduce different textures and flavours to babies. You can cut things in such a way to prevent it from being a choking hazard and be watchful while they’re eating. Babies gums are strong enough and they don’t need teeth to chew on solids.
For my other son Nirbhay, it wasn’t an issue because he was a foodie straight off the bat. He quickly graduated from purees to firmer solid textures and by 10 months old was eating (and relishing) normal family food minus salt, sugar and chilly.
But for Adhyant, meal time was increasingly difficult. We would patiently and persistently place our regular family food onto his high chair tray and he’d fling so much off that it stopped being funny real fast. He’d whine and turn his head away when offered a bite. Meal times seemed endless and filled with pressure.
So not only did we continue with having pureed food (khichdi/ pureed fruit/ ragi porridge) on standby for him, but then came in the next mistake – distraction feeding. Initially it seemed like the lesser of two evils. Having him eat with distraction was better than him not eating at all. Or so I thought. It began with singing songs and nursery rhymes and quickly graduated to the IPad and TV. His brother who was doing fine also got lured into the screen time in collateral damage.
So how did things change? How did we go from that to this? How did we make an about turn from the seemingly deep black hole that mealtimes and food had become for Adhyant?
- Persistence with healthy family food
Even when I was offering purees, I made sure to continue to offer the food we were cooking for ourselves first up. Even when it was thrown off, even when it was left untouched. I didn’t give up and kept placing it there everyday encouraging him to try it out. This approach took time but slowly he did start eating regular food. Dosas, parathas etc were some of the first foods he voluntarily picked up and ate and eventually he became more accepting of all that was cooked.
Many parents make the mistake of giving up on nutritious choices and offering junk food or sweet food options when a child rejects what’s made at home. I see so many kids who survive on things like white rice and white sugar mixed together or things like biscuits, chips, jam bread and maggi. Parents’ excuse is that they can’t keep them hungry and that the child refuses to eat healthier options. But the fact of the matter is that children don’t buy junk food themselves. It’s we as parents who purchase, cook and offer unhealthy alternatives and then blame the kids for eating them. A child cannot eat chocolates if they aren’t offered to him/her. Obviously if given a choice most children will naturally gravitate towards an option that is sweeter and seemingly tastier. Especially when a habit for healthy, fresh food hasn’t had the chance to be developed.
Many children are like Adhyant. They are suspicious of new foods and flavours. They need to be given the time and opportunity to develop a relationship with healthy food through regular exposure and offering without any pressure attached.
- Do away with distractions
Once Adhyant and Nirbhay were used to eating meals with the TV on it just seemed impossible to break the bad habit. They were so glued to what they were watching that they were hardly conscious about what they were eating. This meant they barely ate themselves and just passively opened their mouths and then chewed and swallowed. Mealtimes were not at all what they should have been – Enjoyable family time where everyone took pleasure in what they were eating. Instead they were a burden. I knew I had to change things so took the plunge. The transition period was difficult but by then I had done enough homework to know there was light at the end of the tunnel.
The boys were toddlers then and would watch TV during lunch and dinner so I decided to take things step by step, one meal at a time. I told them that from now we’d have dinner sitting at the dining table like big kids and there would be no TV anymore but they could listen to a song. I also used the opportunity to encourage them to start eating by themselves. It wasn’t all hunky dory overnight. There was resistance, protests, demands for particular songs and at times they would run away in the middle of a meal. Adhyant would take a few bites by himself and then just stop and we had to step in to feed him.
Things improved gradually over a period of time. When I observed that they were settling into the routine I extended it to lunch time as well. Except then, I made the concession that If they ate all their meals at the dining table without any TV or any other distraction, then they could watch 30 mins of TV afterwards (this was their only screen time during the day). They slowly accepted the changes. Nirbhay revelled in the independence and took to self feeding like a pro. Adhyant was more circumspect and took longer but he also increasingly paid more attention to what he was eating and became more adventurous in his choices.
With respect to healthy and nutritious food choices, I can confidently claim that children learn through example. I started studying about nutrition post the boys’ birth and over time incorporated all that I learnt into our household menu. Offering them healthy food meant eating more healthy ourselves which has to count as a win-win. Adhyant has an inborn sweet tooth but even he knows for himself how to satisfy that with maybe a piece of homemade cake (made minus refined flour or refined sugar) over something store bought.
I explained to the boys early on about packaged food, healthy ingredients and the choices we can make. I share details about where the raw ingredients come from, what we’re cooking and eating and welcome them into the kitchen. When they are offered a chocolate by someone else, they know better than to gobble it all up because it can harm them in the long run. This is not to say they don’t indulge themselves at all. We have agreements made as a family, wherein exceptions are made when we are out of the house – at a party, visiting someone or in a restaurant. But even in those circumstances they have their own decided limits. This has all been possible because of an open dialogue and allowing them to develop a palate for fresh and healthy food.
A large part of a child fostering a healthy relationship with food has to do with their parents and guardians. For most parents (especially Indian parents and including yours truly) it’s difficult not to try and control what our child is eating. We are emotionally invested in what and how much they consume and feel guilty if they don’t match up to the lofty standards we have set in our heads. We forget that they are human, that they have their own appetite and taste buds which both we and they need to learn to trust and respect. We also take on pressure from external sources (relatives, friends, doctors) and compare our child with other children forgetting that if all children were meant to eat the same amount, weigh the same and be of the same body type then the world would be full of cookie cut out individuals when that is clearly not the case.
Each individual has a different appetite, a different metabolism and a different inherited genetic structure. Eating more or less will not make your or my child grow any taller or stay shorter than what they are meant to grow (unless of course they are malnourished). Eating healthy and developing good habits during childhood with respect to food are important so the quality of their health and life is optimized and for pleasure, not to match up to some precise measurement we have in mind.
One advantage of being a twin parent is that I can see all this live in front of my eyes. Adhyant and Nirbhay are both boys, the exact same age and have always been almost the same weight and height. They have both inherited our genes and have always been offered the same food at the same time. Yet they are two completely different individuals who have different appetites and food preferences.
While understanding all this is the first step in encouraging your child to develop a positive relationship with healthy food, implementing it all is not easy. I like to remind myself what Ellen Satter advocates. Satter is an internationally recognised authority on eating and feeding. She recommends the division of responsibility in feeding wherein it is the parents responsibility to decide what is offered to the child to eat, where the child eats and when the child eats and it is the child’s responsibility to decide how much to eat and whether to eat what has been offered.
This approach may seem idealistic but in all honesty once you begin trusting yourself and your child it becomes a breeze. You have to have faith in both the choices you’ve made on what to offer your child and your child to be able to judge their appetite. Good decisions taken now will stay with your child for the rest of their life.
Eating is still not Adhyant’s favourite activity. But the difference now is that the pressure is off. He has learnt why food is important to keep him healthy, he has widened his palate through regular exposure, he has developed an appreciation for many varieties of food and mealtimes are now enjoyable for him and the rest of us.
Recap of things to remember:
- Nutrition for infants should primarily come from milk (Breastmilk or formula). Food introduced at that stage should be with the aim to provide exposure to different textures and flavours.
- Offer your children a balanced diet over the course of the day. Do not offer unhealthy or junk food options in case they refuse to eat normal family meals.
- Do not take on the pressure to have your children eat a certain amount. Trust them to develop the judgement to decide when their tummies are full.
- Stay away from distraction feeding. Encourage your children to acknowledge and understand what they’re putting in their bodies.
- For children eating healthy and developing good food habits are important to stay fit and happy, for now and for their entire life ahead; not to achieve certain numbers on charts.
Some resources to help parents in their journey as nourishers:
Facebook groups:
The book ‘My Child Won’t Eat’ By Carlos Gonsalvez. Click here for my review and summary of the book.
Other posts in my series on Child Nutrition: